UPDATE: This was posted 1 year ago and is still relevant. Happy Valentine’s Day!
How many of you have stood in front of the greeting card section at your local grocery store, just days away from Valentine’s Day, snorting or hrmphing at the prose expressed on romantic cards? I have. In fact, one time I snorted and mumbled “Yeah, right!” loud enough so that the woman next to me broke up in raucous laughter. I apologized and walked away lamenting (quietly) about the state of my
There are times in any relationship when the shine has worn off, the dents and dings show, or worse, rust and corrosion has undermined the very foundation of who you two used to be. Here is a short list to still honor the man you married, regardless of the state of your relationship:
- Do something completely different, together. If you’ve never golfed, go to the driving range. If you haven’t been to a library, lately, sit quietly flipping through magazines and watch who uses it and talk about the future of libraries. Try cooking a brand new dish, together. Walk quietly through a cemetery, in the daylight. Go to a jazz festival, because you’ve never been to one.
- Watch and listen to him and find out what he’s been reading, listening to, watching and suggest he read a chapter to you, listen to a track or two with him, or watch an episode. Just sit and be there.
- Get out of your city/town for the afternoon (evening puts too much romantic pressure on a stifled relationship). Schedule a babysitter, if needed.
- Tell him to describe 1 hour, 1 meeting/job/project, 1 drive/bus ride/walk to work. You’ll be surprised what you learn.
Did you make some suggestions and he poo-pooed them? Did he insinuate you’re nuts? Then go and enjoy yourself, and come back and tell him how much fun you had. Feel good that you tried. Or did you two reconnect in even the smallest way? Like a smile or you held hands or it was just simply quiet between the two of you?
What are your ideas? What worked? What didn’t? Please add them in the comments section. Remember the rules:, no bashing, swearing or griping. Only helpful solutions and tips, please! Hurting people may be reading this.
Don’t forget, you are loved and lovable!
- It isn’t about complaining or whining. Because complainers want 1 of 2 things: to have someone to fix “it” (because it is easier to complain than find a solution) or they want validation for their feelings or beliefs. Neither promotes growth and learning. If your husband is a chronic complainer, don’t complain about him. If you complain about your husband, stop. When we’re hurting and confused about anything or anyone, the knee-jerk reaction is to complain because it gives the perception we’re doing something. But, in reality, it keeps us from taking action. Let’s not forget, that complaining is a drain and boring. Who wants to be that?
- It isn’t about husband bashing. No matter how difficult your situation is or you perceive it to be, do NOT lower your responses to his level. You may not recognize it, but he is still a human being and has value. Rise above it and when you do, do it well and with all the respect you can muster.
Please consider this your safe, happy place where you can get answers to questions you didn’t even know you had. Have faith knowing TBDUP is the place to find clarity, direction, support, and encouragement.
I’ve been there. Breathe. We’ll get there, together.
Valentine’s Day was yesterday. Remember the first few months of being in love? All you could do is think of HIM. Talk about HIM. Dream about HIM. Give HIM your best. Be your best for HIM. Think about out-of-the-box creative plans for HIM. Spend a lot of time with HIM even to the point of forgetting you had a life outside of HIM. And boy, did HE respond. It was thrilling, exhilarating, even seductive. You’re smiling, aren’t you?
Now, let’s replace HIM with YB, aka Your Business. All you could do is think of YB. Talk about YB. Dream about YB. Give YB your best. Be your best for YB. Think about out-of-the-box creative plans for YB. Spend a lot of time with YB even to the point of forgetting you had a life outside of YB. And boy, did YB respond. It was thrilling, exhilarating, even seductive. Are you smiling? Or squirming? Listen to that.
If you’re like me, you love to go to work, you love to work in your work and you love to work on your work. It’s the place where the amount of effort you put in is often rewarded by a factor of X. For me, work is my happy place. I invest in my employees, my customers, my systems, and my product/services. And by invest, I don’t mean just money. I mean I invest all my resources, including my most valuable of resources, my time and energy. But the real seduction? I can create the environment and a culture. Talk about an ego boost! I’ve been described as a workaholic. The term has even been hurled at me, repeatedly. It’s something I wear as a badge. A big badge. And I’m proud of it.
But, that’s the problem. When pride enters the picture, love leaves. The devotion I have to my business may be a source of provision, a creative outlet, and in my case, a safe and happy place (read: an escape from the hurt at home). But, denying those that love me, and sacrificing my most important relationships can have devastating consequences. Give to your business. But, save the best for those that love you and those you love.
How many times have you said (or thought) after an altercation, of any degree, with anyone, “This would be so much easier if we/he/she could just communicate!” Communication is when two or more people are trying to get their point across.
What’s missing is the lack of trying to understand the other’s point of view, perspective, or opinion. Most people do not listen with the intent to understand, but instead, they listen with the intent to reply.
A genuine effort to try to understand is accomplished by asking relevant, thoughtful questions. For example, asking leading questions, such as, “Why do you think that?” or “What aspect are you referring to?” or “How certain are you of this?” or “Why did you say that?” will go a long way in forging
communication a connection.
It’s only with connection that you can touch the heart. Think about how you feel when someone asks you thoughtful questions. You feel cherished, valued, important. Do the same for those you love or are close to. Heck, try with the grocery clerk. You’ll be amazed at the heart print you’ll leave behind.
CHALLENGE: I dare you to try understanding everyone around you for 3 straight days. Don’t listen with the intent to reply, but listen to ask more questions. “Seek first to understand, then to be understood.” Let me know what happened, below, in the comments section.
Notice the title didn’t ask, “Where is Your Happy Place?”
There is a subtle distinction. But, this subtly packs a wallop. I want you to think about the elements that would be in, part and present at your happy place.
Would laughter, respect, solving a customer problem, horseback riding, your children, to be understood, selling your products, running, picnics, worship, painting, balancing the checkbook, etc…be on your list?
A simple exercise to identify elements that make you happy is to take seven minutes and write down everything that makes you happy.
DO NOT overthink this. This is not about practicality or even responsibility.
Once you have that list, read it over 7 different times over the next 3 days. After allowing your happy elements to percolate in your brain, take your list and identify the top 7. Then rank them in order of importance. Now, add a “p” to the elements you have present and an “a” to the ones that are absent.
Where do your happy elements fit in your life now?
Where do you find them?
How can you add the ones that are absent?